


Should Have Been Me

by camichats



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Aftermath of Violence, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Established Relationship, Fake James/Lily, Good Peter, Hurt No Comfort, James Lives, M/M, Post-First War with Voldemort, Unhappy Ending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-04
Updated: 2017-07-04
Packaged: 2018-11-23 13:23:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,105
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11403303
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/camichats/pseuds/camichats
Summary: Sirius was the secret keeper, but Voldemort still found them.





	Should Have Been Me

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Constancy](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Constancy/gifts).



> For Eglyssa because on Versus The World they said “this story actually makes me wish for a fic in which Sirius is indeed the secret keeper? You know, just to prove anyone Sirius would never betray... Not sure whether I'd like for Voldemort to find him or not tho... James would be devastated, but sometimes when I feel a bit angsty, I try to think of James' life if Sirius died since Sirius had to live without James for 14 years... Just an idea :p” Just sharing the pain folks. PLEASE READ THE TAGS AND WARNINGS. THIS IS NOT A HAPPY FIC. I cried while writing the middle/end of this. To be fair, I was tired and a little hungry and sick at the time (still am tbh), so I wasn’t really surprised. But yeah. Fair warning.

When Voldemort came into the house, James felt panic, but he didn’t have time to determine what all of that panic was directed towards. By the time he woke up, he was too focused on making sure Lily and Harry were okay, and then figuring out what happened after he was knocked out. Turns out Lily had kicked some serious ass until Dumbledore could show up and finish Voldemort off. Of course, she was in critical condition after that, but she was stable now, and the Medi-Wizards said she would make a full recovery.

Remus and Peter were both at St. Mungo’s around the clock, visiting them and taking care of Harry. Sirius wasn’t there, but James had no doubt that he’d been by even though James hadn’t seen him. He couldn’t help feeling a little disappointed-- they hadn’t really spent time together in the last few months-- but he knew that Sirius would have a good reason. With the war over, he was probably helping round up Death Eaters, which was good, but all James wanted was to hold his boyfriend and know that they weren’t in immediate danger anymore. The war was over, everyone was celebrating, and he… couldn’t. Not without Sirius.

If James’s mind hadn’t been stuffed with cotton from various pain-killing potions, he might have noticed it earlier. Everyone was being very careful around him. And it wasn’t in the “You’re sick, so we’ll be physically careful” kind of way. The more his dosage was lowered, the more concerned he became. They looked worried.

“Where’s Sirius?” he finally asked Peter. He’d been in hospital for days now, and he’d yet to see any hint of his presence. Sirius couldn’t be so busy that he wouldn’t visit.

“We don’t know,” Peter said quietly, and James’s heart dropped.

“What do you mean you _don’t know_?” How was that possible, where was he?

Peter cringed, making James feel a little guilty through his fear. “He hasn’t responded to anyone’s patronus, and he’s not at his flat.”

“Well why isn’t anyone looking for him? He could be hurt.”

“James,” Peter said with that unending patience he had for his friends. “Voldemort found you and Lily. If Sirius didn’t tell him--” Peter held his hands up in surrender at the glare James gave him and continued, “ _If_ Sirius didn’t tell him, then he’s dead.”

James swayed back as if Peter had slapped him. “He… no.” He shook his head, eyes filling with tears. “No, he can’t- he can’t be dead.” If he was dead, then James… what was the point? What was the point of any of this? They fought in the war so they could be together, in a better world.

He rubbed furiously at his eyes then squared his shoulders and walked away.

The moment Peter realised what was happening, he followed, pleading with him. “Wait, James no, you’re still not fully healed, and Death Eaters could still have it out for you, please-”

James reached the apparition point and disappeared, only just catching Peter cursing. He checked Sirius’s flat (which had, for a short time, been _their_ flat) first even though Peter said they’d already looked there. Nothing, predictably, but he was disappointed all the same. As much as he wanted to apparate across the entire countryside looking for him, it would be inefficient and all he wanted was to hold him again.

He found his copy of the two-way mirror and tried it. Nothing. He pocketed it, just in case, happy to have the weight back after the last year without it-- it felt right to have it back even in the growing shadow of his fear for Sirius.

James apparated around a bit, more brainstorming than anything, when he remembered. Sirius’s uncle had given him a small, out-of-the-way house when he passed that would make a perfect hide-out because no one knew where it was (Black paranoia and a not-so-healthy dislike of everything breathing helped that immensely).

He was giddy with the realisation because he knew in his bones that that was where Sirius was. He apparated there without thinking that the Death Eaters could’ve found it. That he was about to see a corpse instead of his shining, boyfriend and almost fiancé.

The broken and ajar door made his blood run cold, but he refused to acknowledge what it must mean-- what he should’ve always known from the second Sirius hadn’t been at his bedside in hospital. He didn’t draw his wand. “Si?” he called out tremulously. James gently pushed open the door.

And wished that he hadn’t.

Sunlight lit the open room in a way too cheerful for what it contained. James didn’t have to check the body to make sure he was dead. He was cut open. Dried blood painted the floor and parts of the wall.

By the time he’d stopped sobbing and found someone to tell, he thought he was done with crying for a little bit. But then they handed him Sirius’s personal effects. His wand, miraculously unbroken, and a small velvet box that contained two rings. Tears were streaming down his face long before he was aware of them.

They’d agreed to wait, he remembered. Wait until the end of the war so they could start their life together.

Sirius had never broken a promise to James before.

* * *

James was stood in the middle of the room, gazing longingly at the Archway. He’d lost it earlier, trying to convince Remus that Sirius was just on the other side, all they had to do was grab him and he’d be here again. Remus knew that James would’ve dove headfirst into it if it hadn’t been for Harry. The boy had looked terrified at the prospect of losing his father and it was by grace of him alone that James was still with them.

“Moony?”

Remus looked down at Harry, still holding him close even though the battle was long over. Gods but the poor kid still looked afraid of what James might do.

“Why’s Dad…” Harry didn’t know how to phrase his question, but he didn’t need to.

“Do you remember Padfoot?”

Harry nodded. Hundreds of stories, dozens of pictures, the only Marauder to die in the First War.

“It’s been fifteen years now,” Remus had to swallow because _Merlin_ it was painful to watch James like this, to know that Harry had never truly met his own father. How could he? Half of his soul had died a year into Harry’s life, and he never recovered. He couldn’t. “And there is not a single day that goes by, that your father doesn’t miss him.”


End file.
